The Lost Akatsuki
by EdelHZ
Summary: Short song fic about a bounty hunt gone awry in Snow Country. Warning: swearing and gore, don't read if you don't like either.


A/N: What's up? Here's a song fic featuring Hidan and Kakuzu. The song is "The Lost Vikings" by Dethklok, it's the band from _Metalocalypse._ You should definitely check out the show if you're into metal, it's LMAO hilarious. It might be a little lame, but I tried.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or "The Lost Vikings"

* * *

It was another boring day of travel for our favorite Zombie duo. They had completed a week long mission into Snow country chasing after a pricey bounty…

'Jashin damned fucking atheist.'

And were now traveling through said country in the middle of a blizzard, with no food, water, shelter, or bounty. Yet, worst of all, the only map carried on Kakuzu's person had drifted away into the foggy oblivion known as their icy Hell, leaving the pair hungry, cold, and hopelessly lost.

"Where the Fuck are we!? We've been walking through this Jashin forsaken icy hell for who knows how long now, and all thanks to your greedy pride you fucking bastard! I can't see a fucking foot ahead of me, I'm freezing my ass off, and every time I try to button my fucking cloak the fucking wind blows it open! So help me Jashin, I swear the damn second I feel my hands again I'll shove my scythe, that is now so conveniently frozen to my back, so far up your ass you'll-"

"Hidan"

"Oho! So the greedy bastard decides to speak! What the fuck is it? Have you finally figured out a way to get us out of this hell hole? Oh, wait. You can't, because you've lost the fucking map!"

THWAK! "Shut up and keep moving."

Now, under normal circumstances, Hidan probably would have begun bitching about the tentacle whip to the back of his head, the cause for his currently broken neck. But miraculously, against all odds in the universe, he managed to come up with a brilliant idea.

After realigning his head with his spine, Hidan began humming a little tune, much to Kakuzu's, shall we say, displeasure. Once noticing the instant rise in killing intent within the atmosphere, he proceeded to sing aloud.

_Many days ago we left our homes  
With swords to ride into the night,  
Fighting side by side to destroy our foes  
And leave them without life._

_We stop, consider the land that we travelled,  
Our map's at home, direction unravelled,_

_  
But we ride  
We ride_

"Hidan, I swear, if you don't shut up and keep quiet, I will do it for you."

"Fuck you cock-sucker!"

_So much time has passed since we left our land  
That we've become concerned,  
And we'll never find the battle  
That we should have fought and won_

But we won't stop searching.

Lost but still we ride.  
Search until we die.

We ride  
We ride

"Hey! I think I see someone!" shouted Hidan.

And lo and behold there appeared to be a shadow in the distance, however the fog and sleet were making it difficult to distinguish it between friend or foe (not like they had many friends anyway), so Kakuzu being Kakuzu, decided to use this as an opportunity towards exercising some cathartic release.

He proceeded to confront the "shadow," with Hidan tailing behind him, with the intention of pulverizing it into a bloody pulp and continue ripping it into little, itty-bitty, shadow pieces.

Eventually, they both got close enough to realize that this shadow was indeed a person, more specifically, a hunched-back old lady in a weathered and tattered cloak walking, or rather, inching along with a demented looking wooden cane.

In a scratchy, yet oddly comforting, little voice she greeted them,

"Why, who do we have here? What brings a couple of strapping young men such as your selves out on this fine day?"

Other than the question of, 'Who the hell is this quack?'' The next question that flew through their minds was, 'How the hell can this hag (bitch), tell whether it's (fucking) day or night?'

However, with an observant eye (and one rarely used), Hidan noticed a map jutting out of her coat, 'Oh thank Jashin! The fugly old bitch has a map; we can finally get some damn directions.'

But before Hidan could yank off the scythe frozen to a couple layers of his skin and hack her to pieces, while keeping the map intact and sacrificing her to Jashin,

'Why not kill two birds with one stone,'

The decrepit little troll began to speak, "You two look a little lost. I have here a map with me, why don't you tell me where you're headed and I can help point the way."

And just as Hidan was about to open the atrocity he calls a mouth with a response, his beloved partner answered for him,

"We don't take directions from females, especially ones as old and ugly as you."

With that said, Kakuzu proceeded to maim her poor 4 ½ ft. body out of sheer anger and frustration with losing a 65 million ryu bounty in the middle of nowhere, in a snow storm, and having to listen to Hidan's incessant bitching and swearing for the past some odd days, and just recently to the bastard's new found inspiration for singing. Frankly, he thought he was doing the world and society a favor by taking his anger out on this defenseless old hag, rather than on an entire village.

Sadly, the map had been an innocent victim of his rage and was indiscernibly mixed in among the bloody chunks of flesh, bone, and vicera.

Of course, this hadn't gone unnoticed by his grey haired friend, Hidan was seething. Hell, he was so mad you could bet one of the massive, pulsing veins on his forehead was just seconds from exploding.

"Come on, let's keep moving."

"KEEP MOVING!? Keep moving WHERE!? Thanks to your fucked up temper we don't have a map, and I don't have a sacrifice! I swear to Jashin I'm going to sacrifice you money whore, I'll rip out your hearts one by one, squashing them in my hands, and then feed them to-"

RIP! THWAK!

"AAUUGH! You mother-fucking, cock-sucking, son of a bitch! That shit hurts!"

In another attempt to shut Hidan up, Kakuzu had ripped Hidan's arm off and bitch slapped him with it, it seems catharsis really is just a myth.

'That's it! Here comes part two,' thought Hidan, and proceeded to continue his vocal assault upon his miserly partner.

_Hungry and tired the frigid plain yields little,  
We trudge on further, eating pride and snow that's brittle._

But we ride  
We ride

We come upon a witch who takes us in  
To let us share her mighty fire.  
She asks of us our story and we lie and say  
We ride around for hire.  
She asks us if we'd like to have her map  
And points us in some direction.  
But we are far too proud and strong so we keep silent  
And ignore her suggestion.

Lost but still we ride,  
Search until we die,  
All the fault of pride,  
The gods weep in the night.

"I have had it with you acting like a whiny little bitch, you religious freak of nature!"

Kakuzu finally snapped and turned on Hidan within a split second.

"Hold still while I sew your mouth shut!"

"Aw, Hell no ass fucker," Hidan shouted as he ran blindly into the snow storm with a smirk on his face.

"That's right, keep running! The angrier I get while I chase you, the less likely you will ever see your rotting body parts ever again!"

_We ride  
We ride_


End file.
